Tuesday, August 12, 2014

we need help

our emotions are complex. they are massive and deep. our thoughts control us. we often feel things that we cannot explain, and cannot overcome. our lives are channeled by our emotions. we bury how we feel, but it's still there. we have emotions about ourselves, about our lives, about the people around us. it surrounds us. our emotions can suffocate and drown us. we become trapped and have no way out.

emotions control us.

on the outside we may seem happy, successful, and motivated; while on the inside we are crying and dying a slow death.

it is a constant battle. where there is no end.

we seek happiness, yet have no way of finding it.

depression and anxiety, and addictions are real. mental illness is real. our society and health care system needs to provide more support for mental illness. it is complex and difficult to understand, diagnose, and treat. however, there are real people who need real help.
simply because it is something that we all do not understand or grasp, does not mean it does exist.

from robin williams instagram

i am sick and heartbroken over the death of robin williams. we have no idea what a person is going through. we don't always know what their journey has been or what their current journey is. our outside persona is not always who we truly are. get to know those around you, pay attention to warning signs, and offer support.

the simplest thing we all can do is offer kindness, a smile, a hug. showing a loved one [or a stranger] that you care, can go a long way into changing their day, or perhaps their outlook.
no matter your journey, no matter how close we may be, i am always here - to offer a silly blog, conversation, virtual smiles, or support.

lots of love and hugs to all of you.


"you will have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." -robin williams

if you need help, here are some people who can provide you the attention, advice and support you may need. please visit their website or call.
suicide lifeline
phone #: 1-800-273-8255

Friday, August 8, 2014

sugar water bath

hey gang! i haven’t been around this blog much. and after some thinking, i realized this blog has gotten away from it’s original premise.


i love sharing other things with you other than ridiculousness: love. life. happenings. emotions. however, i must include some ridiculousness too. am i right? i am right.

so, today, i have a silly little story to share.

we live in a condo. it’s located on the second floor and it offers us a small outdoor porch space. the porch is about 12' x 8', if i had to guess. i have tried to make it our small patio oasis. my dream is to have beautiful green plants and colorful blooming flowers. well, i fail at all of that. everything i plant, i kill. well, almost everything. currently i am successful growing a pineapple plant [yes! i know! isn't that awesome!!], a wandering jew [yes, that is the name. it is a hanging leaf plant that is green and purple.], and a lantana [i thought i killed it, but it magically started to grow and is doing awesome!]. i have several mint plants that are doing well - only because mint is the easiest thing to grow. ever. a moron could grow mint. i have a dead rose bush, lilies and maybe a climbing hydrangea.  

it's sad. i need to figure out really easy things to grow. and plant those. so, in order to mask my suckiness of growing vegetation, i've added other beautiful patio adornments. we have a bird feeder and a reflective sun ornament. we have a beautiful iron corner shelf for our non-growing plants. i have a hanging basket for the wandering jew. we have a cute bird house. so, i try. i really do.

i also got a hummingbird feeder. not just any hummingbird feeder. i saw this feeder at target, i think, and i just had to have it. it is gorgeous. a red glass feeder, shaped like a teardrop, with the spout for the hummers at the bottom. oh! so cute. no other feeder would do. however, it was like $20. YIKES. all for some more birds. i kept searching and searching and finally found it on ebay for $10. whoohooo.

i mean, look at it. it is glorious. absolutely to die for. ok, let's not get carried away. but, needless to say, i was excited to get my hands on one. well, when i got mine in the mail, this is what it looked like....

GREEN. since this hummingbird feeder was difficult to find at that point, i decided to just keep it. but it arriving in the wrong color should have been my first red flag. notice in the picture of the red feeder how the spout points down? well, due to this design flaw, the feeder always dripped. this was a problem for many reasons. it dripped on the railing and wall of the porch. this kindly invited ants and bees. plus, with it slowly dripping, the feeder simply emptied itself without allowing the hummers to get any food. brilliant!

as you can see the the picture with the green feeder [mine], the spout is in more of a "U" shape. i melted the plastic so that i was able to bend it into the shape that made more sense. by being in a U shape, it still allows the juice to reach the end for the birds, but not allow it to drip all over my damn porch.

ok, so we have the hummingbird feeder - the porch is now somewhat complete. fast forward to yesterday, as i was sitting at my desk, i saw a hummer come up to the feeder! he was a pretty greenish color. i've never seen a hummingbird look like he does. yay! victory is mine - i finally fixed that feeder and it works. 
so later that morning, i go outside to water the plants that i am delivering a slow death to, and i notice that the siding on the porch is all dirty and moldy. this immediately made me crazy. i had to clean it all. i mean, why is my oasis dirty and filled with mold? how did this happen? why are things so out of control out here?! so, after 45 minutes of scrubbing vinyl siding, my job was done. i then noticed that the hummingbird feeder was dripping a little bit. why the hell is it dripping? i fixed that piece of shit plastic spout. why is it dripping!? plus, i just cleaned the railing and wall that it is dripping all over. AHHHH. so, naturally, i went to the feeder to adjust the spout to point up a bit more. maybe that was the problem with that piece of junk. and guess what? the entire spout came out. and since it hangs upside down, the whole feeder spilled its sweet sugar water all over me and the wonderfully clean porch. are you serious with this?


i wanted to smash that feeder into a million little pieces. i also didn't feel like scrubbing the porch. AGAIN. but i had no choice. otherwise, i'd have a very serious ant colonization within minutes. so, i cinderella-ed my ass and cleaned it all over again. i took the empty feeder down. i washed my sticky arms, face, legs, and feet. 

and i said, "that's it. i'm done with that hummingbird feeder. it's been nothing but trouble."

well, later that night......
that beautiful hummer was back, in search of food. i felt horrible that there was nothing there for him. so guess what? i made some more sugar water and hung that godforsaken feeder back up. 

i went outside today. and i noticed it was dripping. 

if i want this hummingbird feeder, i guess i will have to have a porch covered in sugar water, ants and bees.


Friday, July 11, 2014

coming out: "wired wrong"

i really thought about not sharing this blog with you guys. it is deeply personal and the issue hits home. it is important to me, and this is also very emotionally charged about current social issues. so, with that said, reader, beware!

have you guys ever heard of my drunk kitchen? you haven't?! well you should stop reading this and go watch an episode. or 10. go on. GO. i'll wait.


so. how was it? i mean, other than amazing, of course.

the creator of my drunk kitchen, hannah hart, has grown into this huge internet community. she does weekly videos that include advice, music, book clubs, traveling, among other things. she also has another youtube channel, yourharto, which is much more personal. on this channel she has an entire series about her coming out story. it was so moving i watched all 6 videos in one sitting.

each person's coming out story is deeply personal. it is a struggle between your current reality and what you actually want your life to be. there were a couple of things she said that almost moved me to tears. what i want to focus on today is when she decided to come out to her family.

so, hannah had finally decided to come out to her family. but what you must know is that her parents are very religious. so when she came out to her dad, this was his response: within his religious belief, her dad believes that sexuality is a part of your make up. however, it is your choice whether or not you choose to act on it. so basically he told her that she could choose to never let herself fall in love because she is wired wrong.

"no one is wired wrong."

i just rewatched that video and i am just as stunned as i was the first time. i am truly at a loss for words. [it is the CH. 5 video of the coming out series. at the 3-min mark is where she talks about her dad.]


ok...here we go.

typically when two people [or sometimes just one] have a child, it is out of desire. a child is wanted and is something, as parents, you created. you nurture this baby and care for it. deciding to become a parent is a BIG deal. even if the baby was a "whoopsie", and you are unsure about having a child, there is time to make decisions about keeping the baby or allowing another family to love and raise the child.

so. you have decided to have a child. you love your child. you raise it. provide for it. teach them. and all the while, you learn that having a kid is hard. they do amazing things, but they also do things that anger you. frustrate you. disappoint you. hurt you.

you realize that your baby, your child, has developed their own ideals. morals. their own way of life. and some of those things are the same as yours, but some are very different.

no matter what you have gone through with your child, they are still your child. and you still love them. the love for a child is the purest, most unconditional love there is.

this is why i simply cannot understand why parents are so willing to abandon, disown and write-off their own children because they are gay. your child has always been gay. they simply did not realize it until a certain point in their life because the way our society is. just like heterosexuals have always been straight. it is just an easier process for them to figure out because it is "mainstream".

we are who we are. and we love who we love.

it hurts every bit of my heart to hear about parents walking out on their children. because they are gay. because they have figured out a huge piece of their identity. simply because it is different from the "norm" and doesn't fit "religious beliefs". if you can't accept every piece of your child - good, bad, straight, gay - then don't have a kid.

kids are messy. kids are difficult. you never know what they are going to throw at you. as a parent, you must think of every possible thing that could happen: diseases, developmental disorders, drug abuse, being an asshole, running away, being an exceptional athlete, academically gifted, being in a band, involvement with gangs, anything!

never say,"that won't happen to my kid." you never know. you must be ready for all life will hand you. if you can't handle it and be supportive of the LIFE YOU CREATED, then don't create one.

it is ok if your child's identity is different from yours. it is alright if your lifestyle doesn't mesh with theirs. you don't have to agree with every decision your kid will make. just be there and be supportive. as a parent should be. walking away is the absolute worst thing you could do. you signed up to love them forever, no matter what. love doesn't always equal agreement, but it does equal support, caring, and commitment.


Monday, June 16, 2014


it's finally time.

i have some exciting news. nerve-racking news. delightful news. 

as you all may know, i am a school teacher, so i have summers off (yay!), but that leaves me with a lot of free time. most of which i enjoy. however, i enjoy being busy more. so, i got to thinking, i need something to do over the summer. there were lots of ideas thrown around: part-time job, babysit, volunteer....blah, blah, blah.
most ideas sounded great, yet, since i had time off away from my job i really wanted to invest my time in something i wanted to be doing...not another job. and the things i want to do are: write (and get paid), volunteer (for real, i mean it), and create art to share with the world (i.e., sell it). 

i find myself creating art projects, from scratch. and i enjoy it. most are fairly simple, yet, have a clean look to them. this idea of selling my artwork all started when i created a simple canvas piece for our bedroom. so, many years later (two, to be exact), i am finally doing it.


so without further ado, i'd like to share with you: buttered ham! i have taken a big, yet small leap and opened my very own esty shop. a shop filling with homemade art projects. some are made from wood, some from canvas, and some are photographs. the shop is small now, but i hope to grow my shop as my art creations grow.

i am very happy to share it with you. however, it is very new and very fresh. if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. i will update and tweak it as necessary. please look around and enjoy; and most importantly, feel free to order something ;)

thank you all for your support!!


oh, and in addition to the buttered ham link in this blog listing, there is a permanent link on WTR. just look in the left column, toward the bottom [it is labeled "my esty shop: buttered ham" and has a bunch of pretty pictures on it!]

Saturday, May 17, 2014

K2 wedding memory: the broken glass

i have a favorite wedding memory that i would love to share with you all. as i was looking through our wedding pictures i was reminded of this very funny moment.
these pictures and this moment are forever hilarious to those who participated and witnessed the event. and what's more, our photographers caught it all on film. whether they meant to our not, it is still awesome.

they show one of our funniest and most favorite wedding memory. however, to fully understand what is happening in the pictures, it definitely requires a back story. the house that we had our reception at had an outdoor cabana [bar + patio + seating area]. and on top of the cabana is a sunbathing deck. now obviously for a wedding reception a sunbathing deck was not used for such. we used it for our dance floor!
the way that we "started" off our reception was that after all the dances [first dance, mother/son, father/daughter], the last dance [father/daughter] was "interrupted" by the black eyed peas song "i gotta feeling". once this song started playing all members of the wedding party started dancing with us. this created quite a bit of excitement. so much excitement that dan dropped the glass he was holding. and it proceeded to roll off the top of the cabana and drop the 10-12 feet to the ground and nearly hitting the groom's grandmother.
i'll explain more as we look through the pictures. but for now, let's get started.

we're gonna have a good night! yay!!
 dan just realized he dropped the glass. oops.

 dan telling keith what just happened. "dude, i just dropped a glass on your grandma."
meanwhile, laura already knows what happened and is beside herself about it.

 look at laura's face. it is this way throughout all these pictures.

 discussion ensues. and it is hilarious.

 very hilarious.

there is a lot of laughter and some confusion.

 all of this excitement causes ryan to jump in the middle of everything.

 keith is finally explaining to me exactly what happened.


now, all of this may not seem so silly or funny to an outsider, but if you were there and experienced this moment with us, it was beyond hysterical. and what makes it a thousand times more memorable is that it is all captured on film [thank you jamie!].

there are many silly moments like this that happened throughout our wedding that we are so lucky to have them all captured by way of photographs. 

thank you, again, to everyone who made this day so wonderful, so special, and so memorable for us. we love you all!


Thursday, May 15, 2014

3 years later

to my sweet love,

three years have gone by. time flies when memories are being made and life is being lived. three years ago today we vowed to commit our lives to each other. to share our lives together. our marriage has been nothing short of that. words will never be able to express my love, passion, and commitment for you. you are my everything. you are my best friend and my favorite person.

i love our love.

i love the ridiculousness. i love the struggles. i love our deep conversations. i love our stupid jokes that no one else understands. i love our constant support of each others dreams and ambitions [even if they seem too lofty]. i love the zoo that lives with us. i love our constant need for travel. i love our hand holding and snuggles. i love all the "i love yous". i growing with you. i love every single bit of us.

i love our love.

[because, lets face it, me and you together is pretty damn awesome. ;) ]

our life, our journey and our adventure has been extraordinary. you make it all worth the while. i am so lucky to have you standing by my side each day as we conquer and cherish this life....together.

i love you so very much.

always and forever.


sealing the deal ;)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

DC WEEKEND: the rest of the story

we've made it - to the other half of our DC trip! the fun is only going to continue. so, let's go!
it is sunday funday morning. and we are just over the halfway point in our trip. it is easter and there is a bustle around the city of people in colorful dresses and well tailored suits. DC is known for brunching. and well, easter is the holiday for brunch. so eating breakfast at a brunch spot without a reservation was not an option. thus, we decided to start our morning together at le pain quotidien for breakfast. my aunt and uncle had eaten there the day before and enjoyed it, so we all went along for the adventure today. it was quite delicious. we ordered a breadbasket for the table to share, which came with countless jams and spreads. my favorites were apricot and the hazelnut spread. yummm. as we enjoyed our breakfast we planned out our morning together. we decided that we would head over to the tidal basin toward the thomas jefferson memorial. it was a beautiful walk right on the river. we took a few pictures of the remaining cherry blossoms. the memorial is also located along the river. it is quite a sight to see! 

after exploring the thomas jefferson memorial, my aunt, uncle, and cousin, decided that it was time for them to head home [very sad]. we hated to see them go, but were so glad we didn’t have to! after saying our sweet goodbyes, we headed over to the FDR memorial. this might have been one of my favorite spots. it is the absolute best tribute to FDR. It is a stone and water structure complete with iconic FDR quotes and statues. the entire memorial creates this appearance of unyielding strength, toughness, and unshakable firmness. 

*side note/rant: i was slightly disgruntled while we were at the FDR memorial. there were obviously a lot of tourists there, many of whom were of varying nationalities. but i was taken back by how many people were so disrespectful to the memorial. they jumped on statues as if they were meant for riding; they yelled and were loud instead of respectfully and quietly observing the memorial; and they interrupted/pushed in front of others who may have been looking at a particular statue or structure. it was as if they had no care for anyone at the memorial other than themselves. all the memorials in DC are just that, a place to honor and memorialize important figures or events in american history. so it saddened me to notice people who would walk through these memorials and not honor those who have done so much for this country. whether you are native to america [or not] or disagree with where this country is heading, our foundation has very profound roots that is worth celebrating, remembering, and honoring. and to do any of those things properly, we must offer respect. and if respect cannot be offered to these memorials, then perhaps they are not a place one should be.
*end side note/rant.

after our visit to the FDR memorial, we walked and walked and walked to the arlington national cemetery. i was really tired when we got there. i remember thinking “how the hell i am going to walk around this massive cemetery?” as soon as we entered the gates this lady walks up to us and informs us that she has two extra tram tickets that she did not use; and we were welcome to them. the tram is like a trolley that drives you around the cemetery, and stops at various locations within the cemetery. we kindly took her tickets and thanked her for saving our visit! being able to sit and enjoy the sights versus even attempting to walk the grounds, made the visit so much more enjoyable. the tram stopped at the JFK gravesite, the tomb of the unknown [where we got to see the changing of the guards], and the arlington house. the changing of the guards ceremony was very powerful and so intense. we are so glad we were able to watch it. i would recommend this to anyone to see at least once.

after the cemetery we needed some food [as always]. and after much debate, we headed back to capitol city brewing [CCB]. we just couldn’t resist the delicious food and beer. again, we sat and rested for a long while. relaxing, resting, and nourishment felt amazing. 
a spot i really wanted to check out was old ebbitt grill. it is the oldest saloon in DC. it dates back to 1856. we went there for a later dinner. it was very rustic and manly. there are green velvet coverings on the chairs, rich wood paneling throughout, and low lights. it reminded me of a cigar bar; a place where men would go to smoke cigars and sip on bourbon. the food was delicious! i had the easter dinner special [and why not?!], which was basically pasta and cheese with a few vegetables. it was so rich. keith had pork chops that were cooked just right. and, of course, we had dessert [creme brulee], which is my favorite!
after stuffing our faces full, we headed back to the hotel and called it a night. we were tired and very happy after yet another busy day in DC.

we awoke on monday, our final day in DC. we really only had one thing left that we wanted to do: the national zoo. why not check it out? it's free! so, we checked out of the hotel and grabbed a quick breakfast at pret again. then we were on our way. well, apparently up north "easter monday" is a thing. i am not really sure how easter can span the course of two days. but anyway, it's another excuse to have a holiday and day off work/school. so there were a lot of people at the zoo that day. we saw almost everything that we wanted to in the 2 hours that we had. my favorites: the bears, elephants, wolves, river otter, and BIG cats [lions and tigers]. it appeared that most animals lived with a "buddy", so they weren't alone, which to me, seems important. i couldn't imagine living in a cage alone with thousands of people looking and yelling at me all day. the BIG cats were the only ones whose living space didn't seem big enough for them. in my opinion, there was no real room for them to run around. i mean, i have two domesticated cats and they have times where they are definitely running around. even my caged beasts need room to run. those cats didn't seem like they had the space to do that. because i think about a lion in the sahara, i mean, he's going to have miles to run. these cats had [maybe?] 1/4 mile triangular shaped space. so, it kind of broke my heart a little bit. i want them to be safe, but free to be the BIG cats they are. to run, to be free. le sigh. 
so that got us discussing: how helpful/beneficial are zoos really? [just some food for thought.]

after our visit with every child and parent in the greater DC area, we headed back to the hotel to grab our bags, got a quick bite to eat, and then we were outta there.
just like that, our trip was over. 
it was such an awesomely busy trip it took us two days to fully rest and recover. it was worth every minute of exhaustion. we'd do it all over again.
in a heartbeat.

DC, you surprised us in many ways. we expected a great trip out of you, but we received an amazing and awe-inspiring one. we cannot wait to go back to visit more of the "tourist spots", but also to learn more about what the locals do, see, and eat.
DC, thank you again for a wonderful weekend with our wonderful family. we will see you soon!