we need help

our emotions are complex. they are massive and deep. our thoughts control us. we often feel things that we cannot explain, and cannot overcome. our lives are channeled by our emotions. we bury how we feel, but it's still there. we have emotions about ourselves, about our lives, about the people around us. it surrounds us. our emotions can suffocate and drown us. we become trapped and have no way out.

emotions control us.

on the outside we may seem happy, successful, and motivated; while on the inside we are crying and dying a slow death.

it is a constant battle. where there is no end.

we seek happiness, yet have no way of finding it.


depression and anxiety, and addictions are real. mental illness is real. our society and health care system needs to provide more support for mental illness. it is complex and difficult to understand, diagnose, and treat. however, there are real people who need real help.
simply because it is something that we all do not understand or grasp, does not mean it does exist.

from robin williams instagram

i am sick and heartbroken over the death of robin williams. we have no idea what a person is going through. we don't always know what their journey has been or what their current journey is. our outside persona is not always who we truly are. get to know those around you, pay attention to warning signs, and offer support.

the simplest thing we all can do is offer kindness, a smile, a hug. showing a loved one [or a stranger] that you care, can go a long way into changing their day, or perhaps their outlook.
no matter your journey, no matter how close we may be, i am always here - to offer a silly blog, conversation, virtual smiles, or support.

lots of love and hugs to all of you.

xoxo,
ks

"you will have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." -robin williams


if you need help, here are some people who can provide you the attention, advice and support you may need. please visit their website or call.
suicide lifeline
phone #: 1-800-273-8255

sugar water bath

hey gang! i haven’t been around this blog much. and after some thinking, i realized this blog has gotten away from it’s original premise.

ridiculousness.

i love sharing other things with you other than ridiculousness: love. life. happenings. emotions. however, i must include some ridiculousness too. am i right? i am right.

so, today, i have a silly little story to share.

we live in a condo. it’s located on the second floor and it offers us a small outdoor porch space. the porch is about 12' x 8', if i had to guess. i have tried to make it our small patio oasis. my dream is to have beautiful green plants and colorful blooming flowers. well, i fail at all of that. everything i plant, i kill. well, almost everything. currently i am successful growing a pineapple plant [yes! i know! isn't that awesome!!], a wandering jew [yes, that is the name. it is a hanging leaf plant that is green and purple.], and a lantana [i thought i killed it, but it magically started to grow and is doing awesome!]. i have several mint plants that are doing well - only because mint is the easiest thing to grow. ever. a moron could grow mint. i have a dead rose bush, lilies and maybe a climbing hydrangea.  

it's sad. i need to figure out really easy things to grow. and plant those. so, in order to mask my suckiness of growing vegetation, i've added other beautiful patio adornments. we have a bird feeder and a reflective sun ornament. we have a beautiful iron corner shelf for our non-growing plants. i have a hanging basket for the wandering jew. we have a cute bird house. so, i try. i really do.

i also got a hummingbird feeder. not just any hummingbird feeder. i saw this feeder at target, i think, and i just had to have it. it is gorgeous. a red glass feeder, shaped like a teardrop, with the spout for the hummers at the bottom. oh! so cute. no other feeder would do. however, it was like $20. YIKES. all for some more birds. i kept searching and searching and finally found it on ebay for $10. whoohooo.

i mean, look at it. it is glorious. absolutely to die for. ok, let's not get carried away. but, needless to say, i was excited to get my hands on one. well, when i got mine in the mail, this is what it looked like....

GREEN. since this hummingbird feeder was difficult to find at that point, i decided to just keep it. but it arriving in the wrong color should have been my first red flag. notice in the picture of the red feeder how the spout points down? well, due to this design flaw, the feeder always dripped. this was a problem for many reasons. it dripped on the railing and wall of the porch. this kindly invited ants and bees. plus, with it slowly dripping, the feeder simply emptied itself without allowing the hummers to get any food. brilliant!

as you can see the the picture with the green feeder [mine], the spout is in more of a "U" shape. i melted the plastic so that i was able to bend it into the shape that made more sense. by being in a U shape, it still allows the juice to reach the end for the birds, but not allow it to drip all over my damn porch.

ok, so we have the hummingbird feeder - the porch is now somewhat complete. fast forward to yesterday, as i was sitting at my desk, i saw a hummer come up to the feeder! he was a pretty greenish color. i've never seen a hummingbird look like he does. yay! victory is mine - i finally fixed that feeder and it works. 

so later that morning, i go outside to water the plants that i am delivering a slow death to, and i notice that the siding on the porch is all dirty and moldy. this immediately made me crazy. i had to clean it all. i mean, why is my oasis dirty and filled with mold? how did this happen? why are things so out of control out here?! so, after 45 minutes of scrubbing vinyl siding, my job was done. i then noticed that the hummingbird feeder was dripping a little bit. why the hell is it dripping? i fixed that piece of shit plastic spout. why is it dripping!? plus, i just cleaned the railing and wall that it is dripping all over. AHHHH. so, naturally, i went to the feeder to adjust the spout to point up a bit more. maybe that was the problem with that piece of junk. and guess what? the entire spout came out. and since it hangs upside down, the whole feeder spilled its sweet sugar water all over me and the wonderfully clean porch. are you serious with this?

#$%@$^&&!!!!

i wanted to smash that feeder into a million little pieces. i also didn't feel like scrubbing the porch. AGAIN. but i had no choice. otherwise, i'd have a very serious ant colonization within minutes. so, i cinderella-ed my ass and cleaned it all over again. i took the empty feeder down. i washed my sticky arms, face, legs, and feet. 

and i said, "that's it. i'm done with that hummingbird feeder. it's been nothing but trouble."

well, later that night......

that beautiful hummer was back, in search of food. i felt horrible that there was nothing there for him. so guess what? i made some more sugar water and hung that godforsaken feeder back up. 

i went outside today. and i noticed it was dripping. 

if i want this hummingbird feeder, i guess i will have to have a porch covered in sugar water, ants and bees.

xoxo,

ks

exercise

my sweet husband and i exercise. a lot. we hold each other accountable and talk about our workouts, struggles and successes. tonight he had this really great idea. he suggested that it would be even more motivating to share our daily exercise regime through social media outlets. this would allow for friends and family chime in with their workouts, suggestions, ideas, questions, successes and struggles too. it could create an online forum for exercise motivation.

i think it is a wonderful idea. so, i thought i would take to my blog to open up this thread. i will add an exercise tab to my blog [that you can access here] that will simply be an on-going list of my daily workouts. within that tab you will have the opportunity to leave comments about my workouts and talk about your own workouts. each day that i add to it, i will share the link so that you know it is updated.

hopefully this will be helpful, not only for our continued success, but yours too!

now lets get our workout on.

xoxo,
ks

NEWS!

no, i am not pregnant.

but, i do have some very exciting news! keith and i moved to greenville in april because he got an amazing job at ECU. so that meant i had to leave my job in raleigh [sad]. in the mean time, i have been searching high and low for a job. the job market in greenville is much different than raleigh. raleigh you blessed with not only the city itself, but all of its great suburbs as potential places to work. greenville isn't exactly a metropolis. and whereas, there is the opportunity to work in other neighboring cities, i am not sure they are the market for me, to put it nicely. so yes, there are jobs, just less of them. plus, i am very particular and i don't just want to work anywhere so that i can have a job. i don't want to go to work and be miserable everyday. so living in a small town makes it that much harder for a picky lady to find a good job.

UNTIL NOW.

most of my professional experience is working with children. ironically, my education is not. however, whenever i think about having a job, working with children is what i want to be doing. why i never became a teacher, i'll never know [but it's probably a good thing i'm not a teacher in NC right now]. however, i have always enjoyed the freedoms of the jobs i have had when i worked with kids: recreation, after school programs, summer camps, and preschool. i still had the opportunity to teach children and be a positive role model, while allowing for flexibility and creativity in the programs.
thus some of my job search entailed me looking for jobs through parks and recreation and at preschools. i had an interview at a montessori school yesterday and was hired ON THE SPOT. i am so excited. it is a teacher assistant position in one of their primary classrooms [ages 3-5]. the school ranges from ages 3-12 years. the classrooms are broken up into primary [3-5], lower elementary [6-9] and upper elementary [9-12]. i was excited before the interview and once i got to the school, heard even more about montessori, the school, and the teachers, i am now ecstatic. it seems like a wonderful place to work. i start on tuesday. i really can't wait [insert very happy face]. 

i was getting frustrated with not having a job, for many reasons.
*it made me feel inadequate and unqualified.
*it made me stress about money. sure we have enough, but we just have less wiggle room.
*i get bored and restless.

i also knew that finding a job would work out when it was supposed to. i have sent out countless resumes and job applications. i have gone on a half dozen interviews. all of which i was excited about in some fashion, but also had reservations about. clearly, none of those interviews manifested into jobs. i now have a job that i am excited about, doing something i am passionate about. sure, i will not utilize my education to its fullest, but there are plenty of people out there who don't use the degrees they have. it is just another tool in my toolbox.

so, i return to the working world next week. FINALLY. you never realize just how fundamental working is until you are unable to do it.

UPDATE [tuesday, august 20th]: today was my first day! it was so exciting. this week is only teacher workdays, but i am thankful for that because i have so very much to learn! i am overwhelmed at how new and different montessori is, but i am encouraged and motivated to learn a new teaching philosophy. i will definitely give you all an update after a few weeks of school to let you know how things are going!

xoxo,
ks