Thursday, July 1, 2010

understand this...maybe?

i have been told this repeatedly: you are too nice.

i mean, it's a great complement. i like being nice. i even like being too nice. don't get me wrong though, i am no doormat.
so, you ask: "where are you going with this then?"

by being too nice, when i let people down or do something that disappoints someone, even though the end result really was in my best interest, i feel bad. i always want those around me to be happy. and when i am the cause of their unhappiness, then i feel like a jerk. even if the cause of their happiness was going to cause a lot of strain on me.

i know how things turned out could have been different. but what options that laid before me, where not of my best interest. and after what I went through almost 2 weeks ago, i really need to start putting me first. i can do things that are awesome and fun and spontaneous. i just have to do all of those things while taking the best possible care of ME.

and while that is what has happened. i am safe. rested. and taken care of. i still feel like a jerk. i let someone else down. i am too nice. i am more upset about letting someone else down than myself. who cares that i'm safe? rested? who needs its if i caused someone else to be upset?

i guess it goes back to what i typically one understands me. and keith then says "you don't explain it well. tell people how you feel and what you need, so that they can at least start to understand you."
or perhaps people understand me more than i realize. the ones that understand, are the ones that matter.

but at the end of the day, i've let someone down. and all i can say is i am sorry and hope that they understand.

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