WHY?

my heart is heavy. so heavy it hurts. i'm sad and confused. to the point that even my dogs know it. they follow me around, as if to make sure that i am ok.

why? because death has claimed another amazing life all too soon.

this time i have tried not to think about the "what ifs". because i know i can't change that. but i am more stuck on the "whys". why her? why such an amazing young, vibrant person? why do good people die young? why can't the scum of the earth be the ones who are killed? she nor her family and friends deserve this.

all of this spirals me into very selfish thinking. thinking about my family. my friends. my loved ones. i want to hold all of you so tight. so tightly that i never let you go and that you never get hurt and never leave me.

i have big dreams for my life. with my family and my friends. i am not ready for any of it to be cut short. any of it.
i don't know if i could handle it. honestly.

i have been through a lot. i know i am built as a strong woman, but some things....are just unimaginable.

and with all of this, i don't want to change my lifestyle, mainly because i am not dangerous or careless. but i do want to make sure that those who i love, know it. and it makes me sad that death is the reason that all these emotions come to the surface. and i wish there was another way to remind to us to always cherish our loved ones. to know, that these people are so, so, so important. and that tomorrow isn't a guarantee. so enjoy today for all that it is worth.

i just can't believe it's real. death is such a cruel joke. death takes people away at the snap of a finger. so quickly that you can't comprehend it. it happens so fast that it seems surreal. that it feels like a joke. that you can't wrap your head around it. how are you supposed to cope? how do you move on? how do you accept this loss? what makes it easier?

only time. oh time, you have become my best friend and worst enemy. all at the same time.